The 1970s were good to Paul Lynde, and he was ready to make the Lyndest of them with television variety show specials for ABC. The Paul Lynde Halloween Special is perhaps an ideal test subject for a certain kind of brain-rot very much akin to overdosing on Halloween candy, lying on the rumpus room floor in a heap while licking the inside of your Batman mask and dumbing it way, way down. It's not *funny* in the sense that funny is supposed to make you laugh, and I've had people run from the room in total incomprehension, but for me this kind of sweaty pointless (probably) coke-fuelled extravaganza is soothing in a regressive Altered States kinda way. Also, KISS is in it, and this is actually the perfect environment for KISS. Here's a taste, to give you an idea:
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
review: Don't Answer The Phone!
Look, I've seen some shit, okay? I've seen movies that would give most people PTSD. I've watched Andy Milligan and Godfrey Ho films back to back and gone back for more. I've watched the non-MST3K version of Manos: The Hands of Fate on repeated occasions. I've seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've seen a million faces and I've rocked 'em all. I'm telling you this so that when I tell you Don't Answer The Phone is a bad film, I don't mean it's incompetent. I'm not saying there's continuity problems and OMG LOLZ I'm gonna tattle to IMDB. No. Don't Answer The Phone is an evil movie, and I fear the world in which it was possible. It's a bad idea like trepanning yourself so you can rub PCP directily onto your brain with a piece of rusty coathanger is a bad idea. When they find my bloodied body with swathes of my skin removed in an attempt to enter heaven, the only place where I might possibly be free of the memory of this film, free of the putrefaction of this prison I currently call my skin, it will be because of this film. I now bear the mark of Cain and shall find no peace until the end of days. I need you to understand. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND.
I think everyone has had the experience of watching a film and feeling like you could improve upon it, given the opportunity. I suspect the makers of Don't Answer The Phone were watching Manhunter in a meth frenzy and simultaneously stared at each other while furiously scratching at their sore-covered deformed bodied and hissed "We could make this movie! But no arty shit. Real perverts like us don't read Blake! We fuck roadkill and eat babies! After the success of our film we'll be able to fuck the finest roadkill and eat the tastiest babies the world has to offer!". But WAIT! you say -- this film was released in 1980! Manhunter didn't come out until '86! Red Dragon didn't get published until '81! That's because these cretins are SORCERERS! They have alliances with slithering things whose names bear such malevolence that the human larnyx has evolved in order to make pronunciation impossible -- except for They What Walk And Apparently Make Movies In Darkness! I understand now! THEY GAVE ME A BRAIN TUMOR WITH THEIR MOVIE MAGICK!
Easy, boy. Just a quick drink to steady the nerves. The public must be warned.
So we've got a crazed killer who (natch) was a Vietnam vet and who (natch) is now a photographer and general all-around pervert. We also have two detectives who vow to catch this mad dog killer on the loose who are also perverts. This gives you the false sense that this film has a plot. Other movies follow this same line and have plots, so ipso facto this film must have a WRONG WRONG WRONG. This film falls like a goober dangling from the finest strand of saliva from a bully whose mouth has never known anything but Snickers and feces directly into your fear-rictus'd maw. It's like the re-enactment of ritual abuse in a psychiatrist's office illicitly videotaped and stitched together to suggest cohesiveness. Do you understand? How can I be expected to ever accept friendship or know love now that I've seen the deformed obsidian skeleton that hides inside the earth and mirrors its shape in the destinies of humanity? How can I ever be expected to play a dvd knowing that by some diabolical machination the contents of that disc might possibly contain even a half-second snippet of Don't Answer The Phone!? How, I ask you? Never again will I complain about the indignities of Robert Culp's flapping length! A lifetime of hopping vampires would be better! Death Drug: The Musical would be better! If you ever watched something like Last House On The Left and wondered (as I did, when I was eleven) why anybody would make a movie like that, then perhaps this is the film for you. If you think a horror movie should actually be scary, then watch this film and never trust another human being for as long as you live! This film will find you where you live, smash down your plate glass windows, put a fist through your steel plated door and rub its gibbering hindquarters on everything you hold dear! I know it sounds like fun, but it's not! I swear! If only my brain could vomit up the memory of this film I might be okay, but no! NO! WHAT SIN COULD A MAN COMMIT IN A SINGLE LIFETIME TO WARRANT DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE?
I might try to write more on this later. Right now I think I'm gonna take a fistful of quaaludes and try to sleep. I'm never answering a phone again, that's for sure. For a more useful review of this film, please see Tenebrous Kate's review, which is (as always) dead-on accurate. If for some reason you should want to do this terrible thing to yourself, you can find a copy on the new Mill Creek 50-film collection Pure Terror, which is an *incredible* collection, with lots of genuinely great horror, lots of bad-but-fascinating films (such as Manos and Guru the Mad Monk -- in fact if you want some good-time incompetence watch Bloody Pit of Horror starring oily bohunk Mickey Hargitay and revel in his Crimson Executioner steez) and best of all three (THREE!) movies starring my main man Paul Naschy -- every home needs a copy, but seriously, save this one until you're sitting alone after a night of downing reds and morning glory wine and feel a severe need to punish yourself.
I think everyone has had the experience of watching a film and feeling like you could improve upon it, given the opportunity. I suspect the makers of Don't Answer The Phone were watching Manhunter in a meth frenzy and simultaneously stared at each other while furiously scratching at their sore-covered deformed bodied and hissed "We could make this movie! But no arty shit. Real perverts like us don't read Blake! We fuck roadkill and eat babies! After the success of our film we'll be able to fuck the finest roadkill and eat the tastiest babies the world has to offer!". But WAIT! you say -- this film was released in 1980! Manhunter didn't come out until '86! Red Dragon didn't get published until '81! That's because these cretins are SORCERERS! They have alliances with slithering things whose names bear such malevolence that the human larnyx has evolved in order to make pronunciation impossible -- except for They What Walk And Apparently Make Movies In Darkness! I understand now! THEY GAVE ME A BRAIN TUMOR WITH THEIR MOVIE MAGICK!
Easy, boy. Just a quick drink to steady the nerves. The public must be warned.
So we've got a crazed killer who (natch) was a Vietnam vet and who (natch) is now a photographer and general all-around pervert. We also have two detectives who vow to catch this mad dog killer on the loose who are also perverts. This gives you the false sense that this film has a plot. Other movies follow this same line and have plots, so ipso facto this film must have a WRONG WRONG WRONG. This film falls like a goober dangling from the finest strand of saliva from a bully whose mouth has never known anything but Snickers and feces directly into your fear-rictus'd maw. It's like the re-enactment of ritual abuse in a psychiatrist's office illicitly videotaped and stitched together to suggest cohesiveness. Do you understand? How can I be expected to ever accept friendship or know love now that I've seen the deformed obsidian skeleton that hides inside the earth and mirrors its shape in the destinies of humanity? How can I ever be expected to play a dvd knowing that by some diabolical machination the contents of that disc might possibly contain even a half-second snippet of Don't Answer The Phone!? How, I ask you? Never again will I complain about the indignities of Robert Culp's flapping length! A lifetime of hopping vampires would be better! Death Drug: The Musical would be better! If you ever watched something like Last House On The Left and wondered (as I did, when I was eleven) why anybody would make a movie like that, then perhaps this is the film for you. If you think a horror movie should actually be scary, then watch this film and never trust another human being for as long as you live! This film will find you where you live, smash down your plate glass windows, put a fist through your steel plated door and rub its gibbering hindquarters on everything you hold dear! I know it sounds like fun, but it's not! I swear! If only my brain could vomit up the memory of this film I might be okay, but no! NO! WHAT SIN COULD A MAN COMMIT IN A SINGLE LIFETIME TO WARRANT DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE?
I might try to write more on this later. Right now I think I'm gonna take a fistful of quaaludes and try to sleep. I'm never answering a phone again, that's for sure. For a more useful review of this film, please see Tenebrous Kate's review, which is (as always) dead-on accurate. If for some reason you should want to do this terrible thing to yourself, you can find a copy on the new Mill Creek 50-film collection Pure Terror, which is an *incredible* collection, with lots of genuinely great horror, lots of bad-but-fascinating films (such as Manos and Guru the Mad Monk -- in fact if you want some good-time incompetence watch Bloody Pit of Horror starring oily bohunk Mickey Hargitay and revel in his Crimson Executioner steez) and best of all three (THREE!) movies starring my main man Paul Naschy -- every home needs a copy, but seriously, save this one until you're sitting alone after a night of downing reds and morning glory wine and feel a severe need to punish yourself.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
tumblr
I'm still working on getting back to this weblog -- the move to California has gone well but been busy, and summer is always my hibernation phase, but new reviews and pointless goofery coming soon. In the meantime, I have a tumblr at todf.tumblr.com -- unequal parts gothic horror stills, narcotic fairy tale illustrations and unabashed smut. At the risk of oversharing, it's a kind of lure-trap for my anima.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
twitter review: Bram Stoker's Dracula (Coppola vs Franco II)
second feature is bram stoker's (by way of francis ford coppola's) dracula! rated r for sexuality and horror violence!
i wish the whole movie could keep up the intensity of the first few minutes.
first off, gary oldman is a great dracula. that's a given.
let me say again, for the record, that the first bit of Coppola's Dracula is AWESOME. when i saw it in the theater i was stoked.
tom waits does a good renfield, but obviously he lacks the cranked-up majesty of kinski. point to franco!
it's important to note that Harker is supposed to be a tool, so you can't fault the actor for that. however, keanu reeves, erm....i think the less said, the better.
i'm a big fan of watching a director get to play with every toy in the box, and coppola definintely does it up right here.
did i mention diamanda galas did vocal work for this film? point to coppola!
i'm a sucker for the stuff with the shadows.
the cornball stuff with lucy's suitors is not to my taste.
and no one can hold a candle to my imaginary girlfriend Soledad! point to Franco!
of course, gary oldman also did tiptoes. point to Franco! (if you haven't seen Tiptoes you need to read this)
there's a bit of victorian pornography in coppola's version. point to coppola!
also, the nod to Warning Shadows. that's pretty classy.
"Civilization and syphilization have advanced together!"
for the record, if there's any busty gypsy vampire women out there who are looking for someone to feed on, i'm totally available.
i like winona ryder, but she just doesn't pull her own weight in this film. point to franco!
what's interesting is anthony hopkins seems to be chanelling kinski. lord knows reeves couldn't pull that off.
"Perhaps, though I try to be good, I am bad."
Hopkins, without question, is the superior Helsing, as he gets his shadiness down to a science. Point to Coppola!
that's right, ladies, your foolish spells cannot protect you from my power! (note that I'm actually wearing a blanket as a makeshift cape while I moodily brood -- I'm a Method viewer!)
bonus points to coppola for the waves of blood when lucy dies. that's awesome.
I am the monster the breathing men would kill! I am Dracula!
y'know, winona actually does a good job here. i take back what i said. point to coppola!
the three brides of dracula? argento, de quincy, stoker and i all pulled them from the same source.
man, i totally need a castle.
"We've all become God's madmen. All of us."
and totally a better ending. point to coppola!
so who wins in this battle of titans, Franco vs. Coppola? well, my friends, we're all winners. GOOD NIGHT AMSTERDAM!
i wish the whole movie could keep up the intensity of the first few minutes.
first off, gary oldman is a great dracula. that's a given.
let me say again, for the record, that the first bit of Coppola's Dracula is AWESOME. when i saw it in the theater i was stoked.
tom waits does a good renfield, but obviously he lacks the cranked-up majesty of kinski. point to franco!
it's important to note that Harker is supposed to be a tool, so you can't fault the actor for that. however, keanu reeves, erm....i think the less said, the better.
i'm a big fan of watching a director get to play with every toy in the box, and coppola definintely does it up right here.
did i mention diamanda galas did vocal work for this film? point to coppola!
i'm a sucker for the stuff with the shadows.
the cornball stuff with lucy's suitors is not to my taste.
and no one can hold a candle to my imaginary girlfriend Soledad! point to Franco!
of course, gary oldman also did tiptoes. point to Franco! (if you haven't seen Tiptoes you need to read this)
there's a bit of victorian pornography in coppola's version. point to coppola!
also, the nod to Warning Shadows. that's pretty classy.
"Civilization and syphilization have advanced together!"
for the record, if there's any busty gypsy vampire women out there who are looking for someone to feed on, i'm totally available.
i like winona ryder, but she just doesn't pull her own weight in this film. point to franco!
what's interesting is anthony hopkins seems to be chanelling kinski. lord knows reeves couldn't pull that off.
"Perhaps, though I try to be good, I am bad."
Hopkins, without question, is the superior Helsing, as he gets his shadiness down to a science. Point to Coppola!
that's right, ladies, your foolish spells cannot protect you from my power! (note that I'm actually wearing a blanket as a makeshift cape while I moodily brood -- I'm a Method viewer!)
bonus points to coppola for the waves of blood when lucy dies. that's awesome.
I am the monster the breathing men would kill! I am Dracula!
y'know, winona actually does a good job here. i take back what i said. point to coppola!
the three brides of dracula? argento, de quincy, stoker and i all pulled them from the same source.
man, i totally need a castle.
"We've all become God's madmen. All of us."
and totally a better ending. point to coppola!
so who wins in this battle of titans, Franco vs. Coppola? well, my friends, we're all winners. GOOD NIGHT AMSTERDAM!
twitter review: Jess Franco's Count Dracula (Coppola vs. Franco I)
tonight's film: Jess Franco's Count Dracula! not to be confused with Francisco Franco's Count Dracula!
the popularity of the Twilight books means i can buy a copy of Jess Franco's Dracula at Wal-Mart for five bucks. i'm ok with that.
there's a lot of reasons to watch this film, but all i need is Soledad Miranda as Lucy. You wanna know my type? She's my type.
it's not even that she's beautiful, it's her attitude, her vibe. i'm getting all unseemly just thinking about it.
but you need more? christopher lee! klaus kinski! maria rohm! bruno nicolai did the score!
now it's a film done on the cheap, so it's not a film for dilettantes.
(harry allen towers might have put up a hundred bucks to film it)
(tonight i'll be doing a compare/contrast with coppola's dracula, so stay tuned)
man, klaus kinski is a *beast*. i don't know that he's a good role model, tho.
"Your friend is in need of attention!" I'll give her attention!
and of course, like hitchcock, franco throws in a little wave to the audience.
quincy morris looks like dick cavett!
i want that hammered dulcimer theme to play every time i enter a room!
"All my life I've made a study of what some people call the black arts."
Oh, my anima? Soledad Miranda as a vampire. Guuuuuh.
in my experience, telling girls "you have become not only a nurse but a servant!" does not go well.
dick cavett to the rescue!
"Lucy? A killer of...children?"
the stuffed animals coming to life scene really is, well, bad.
"You have learned much. You can do nothing."
also, it's saint patrick's day, i'm getting drunk.
you ever see dick cavett pound a stake into a topless girl's chest? it's pretty heavy!
also, dracula probably shouldn't put his name on his tomb if he's trying to stay low-key.
"Whilst the Count lives, time and space have little meaning." Ain't it the truth.
they dropped a giant marshmallow on the count's body! that ain't cricket!
Franco, it must be admitted, is not good with endings.
throw the creepy puppet over the wall!
Jess, i love you, but god damn you make it hard to be a fan sometimes.
even the most adamant franco fan will tell you dracula has some problems, but fuck it, buy the ticket take the ride. GOOD NIGHT AMSTERDAM!
the popularity of the Twilight books means i can buy a copy of Jess Franco's Dracula at Wal-Mart for five bucks. i'm ok with that.
there's a lot of reasons to watch this film, but all i need is Soledad Miranda as Lucy. You wanna know my type? She's my type.
it's not even that she's beautiful, it's her attitude, her vibe. i'm getting all unseemly just thinking about it.
but you need more? christopher lee! klaus kinski! maria rohm! bruno nicolai did the score!
now it's a film done on the cheap, so it's not a film for dilettantes.
(harry allen towers might have put up a hundred bucks to film it)
(tonight i'll be doing a compare/contrast with coppola's dracula, so stay tuned)
man, klaus kinski is a *beast*. i don't know that he's a good role model, tho.
"Your friend is in need of attention!" I'll give her attention!
and of course, like hitchcock, franco throws in a little wave to the audience.
quincy morris looks like dick cavett!
i want that hammered dulcimer theme to play every time i enter a room!
"All my life I've made a study of what some people call the black arts."
Oh, my anima? Soledad Miranda as a vampire. Guuuuuh.
in my experience, telling girls "you have become not only a nurse but a servant!" does not go well.
dick cavett to the rescue!
"Lucy? A killer of...children?"
the stuffed animals coming to life scene really is, well, bad.
"You have learned much. You can do nothing."
also, it's saint patrick's day, i'm getting drunk.
you ever see dick cavett pound a stake into a topless girl's chest? it's pretty heavy!
also, dracula probably shouldn't put his name on his tomb if he's trying to stay low-key.
"Whilst the Count lives, time and space have little meaning." Ain't it the truth.
they dropped a giant marshmallow on the count's body! that ain't cricket!
Franco, it must be admitted, is not good with endings.
throw the creepy puppet over the wall!
Jess, i love you, but god damn you make it hard to be a fan sometimes.
even the most adamant franco fan will tell you dracula has some problems, but fuck it, buy the ticket take the ride. GOOD NIGHT AMSTERDAM!
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