roundtable: the new gi joe movie

DB: Jeez, it's been a while since we did one of these. Not since we tried to decide which was dreamier, Hall or Oates.

Ana Skyfish: IT! IS! DARYL!

DB: Okay, look, there's no need to get into that jazz again, we have new business to discuss. First, joining me tonight is obviously Ana, plus Owen and Rissa --

Rissa: We have a statement we'd like to make before we begin.

DB: -- and apparently Ed and Merle are gonna join us later as we needed someone to speak on behalf of those who did not actually grow up while the original marketoon was in syndication. Now if --

Ana: Marketoon?

DB: That's what I call a cartoon that was basically made to shill a product, like GI Joe or Smurfs or the Care Bears. Okay Rissa, you can make your statement now.

Rissa: HOW DARE YOU?

Owen: And we have NEVER been so insulted in ALL OUR LIVES! You interrupt either of us ONE MORE TIME and by the power of Greyskull we'll --

Rissa: Owen? I got this.

Owen: Okay, player. You let me know when it's time for the big guns.

Rissa: So the statement is as follows -- "We the human ambassadors of the consciousness lowering happening known as Owen and Rissa would like to state that despite our presence for this sham of a roundtable we IN NO WAY endorse or suggest the rampant post-boomer nostalgia death trip which has crippled our once-vibrant country and lead to decades of hipster nonsense and bad films. I HAVE SPOKEN!"

Ana: I think we're all in agreement on this one.

DB: Totally reasonable. Okay, so the GI Joe movie.

Owen: The whole cast is dressed like Snake Eyes, first of all. That's fucking jive.

Ana: That's because Snake Eyes was the only cool member of the team.

Rissa: They could have all dressed up like Shore Leave. I'd watch that!

DB: Fucking reboots. The whole idea is marinated in failure.

Ana: You can't really say that, tho. The '80s GI Joe was a reboot of the '70s king-fu grip era Joe. I'm sure there's dudes out there who are gonna boycot the movie if The Intruders don't make an appearance.

DB, Owen and Rissa: ACTION MAN!

DB: That's totally fair and it's not like I was a big enough fan of GI Joe that I'm all in a snit about it. It's not like they're making a live action Pirates of Dark Water or anything.

Ana: Oh man, that was my jam. You ever watch Ulysses 31?

DB: I only caught a couple episodes of it on TODF but they were pretty sweet.

Ana: I hunted up all the episodes a while back. You'd dig it, you should come over sometime.

Rissa: We're getting kinda off track here.

Owen: At the end of the day I just wanna see The Baroness get naked. That was really the only reason I ever watched the cartoon. It certainly wasn't for The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight.

Rissa: I'm not normally into Sienna Miller but I gotta say she looks nice all dolled up like that.

DB: I'm hoping she kills Cobra Commander and has a torrid affair with Destro.

Rissa: I bet she yells Co-bra-LALALALALALALALA! while making the serpent with two backs and licking his metal face clean of her love juices. I'm actually kinda wanting to see this movie now.

Ana: There's no way. There's no way in hell. Keep that nugget of entertainment in mind when you're watching some twenty minute subplot where Lifeline debates if he'll pick up a gun to save Scarlett.

DB: Probably. Also half an hour of how Cobra Commander got to be the way he is. He was probably molested by a lizard when he was a kid or something.

Rissa: "No, Mommy! Don't make me go back to Reptile Gardens! I'm not wearing any underpants! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Ana: "Reptile Gardens: No Lizard Gangbangs Since 1985!"

Owen: Can we admit Cobra Commander is a dink? I really only started to like the cartoon when they went and stole the DNA from the most evil dudes in history to make a new leader. That might be bad science but it's a *genius* plot device.

DB: I totally want to roadtrip to the Black Hills now. Wall Drug! Bedrock Village!

Ana: We never did finish our Miniature Golf World Tour. Now that they knocked down Rent N' Putt --

Rissa: WHAT?

Ana: Totally. Last fall. Fucking Vision Iowa made it some Museum of Corn or some shit.

Rissa: RIOT IN THE STREETS!

Owen: I thought you hated working there.

Rissa: I loved working there when nobody showed up. The public, as Charles Manson wisely put it, is a bunch of assholes.

DB: So no titty and no crazy graverobbing and everybody's kind of a sensitive dink. That's our review of the new GI Joe then?

Ana: Keeping in mind that none of us have actually seen it, yes.

Rissa: I'd go when it plays at the dollar theater. Maybe we can take some PCP or something.

Ana: Deal!

Owen: So are Ed and Merle not gonna show?

DB: Wait, I just got a text from Merle. It says "Fuck youse elderly stooges joe blowz AUTOBOTZ4LIFE". Ana, your brother is a clown.

Ana: That's the future of America, right there.

DB: So that wraps it up for now. For JSD Roundtable, I'm your Immoderator DB. Good luck suckers!