Tuesday, October 27, 2009

show: Captain Steele and Bobcat Bob

Here's the episode list for TODF's most famous original series The Morally Misguided Misadventures of Captain Steele and Bobcat Bob which I lost after Fleshlab went under and haven't been able to find since 2003. There's a couple extra updates to add, but this gives you the general outline of the whole sordid affair.

  1. "Too Cool For Stool": Steele and Bob discover a race of salamander-people whose entire culture is based around the art of feces-sculpting; after much indignation Steele and Bob introduce them to the discipline of the plasma cannon.
  2. "Love Means Never Having To Say You're Guilty": Steele falls ass-backwards in love with Galactic Princess Jurquet, who is convinced she's not good enough for him; Steele spends episode proving just how no-good he actually is. Dr. Hanherholden's final episode.
  3. "It Is Myself I Wish To Hide From": Steele and Bob versus intergalactic ne'er-do-well The Peeler Jerry Razorblades, who has assumed Bob's identity by use of a Blending-Cloak. Steele extracts maximum revenge and Bob reveals a horrible secret.
  4. "The Antichrist Complex": Testing the Universal Rapture Warning System, Steele and Bob discover that the Blackpool nebula is woefully unprepared for the day of judgement and decide a simulated apocalypse is just what this system needs. Things quickly get out of hand when Bob is mistaken for the messiah.
  5. "Behind The Impregnable Cone of Science": In the throes of viral infection due to bad take-out Steele and Bob begin to suspect they're actors unwillingly set up to demonstrate certain laws of physics to an invisible audience of high-school physics students. To break free from the malicious grip of these high-school observers Steele and Bob set out to break all the laws of physics.
  6. "Inner Stellar Blues (Makes Me Wanna Vomit)": The fuel source for the Good Ship Almighty, a small furry rodent known as the Wesley, is bred in holding pens in the back of the ship, their rate of reproduction moderated by broadcasts of Wesleyan pornography. When the broadcast projector gets sold for drug money the Wesley population is depleted until only two remain. Steele and Bob thus attempt to get the remaining two Wesleys to mate, as their extinction will maroon the ship. Special guest star: Marvin Gaye.
  7. "Are You a Cobra or a Python?": The dueling planets of Planet Rock and Super Planet Rock, infested with gangs of runaway teenagers, are at full war over who gets to have Bob's band, Scrotal Frenzy, play on New Year's Eve. Steele comes down heavy and cancels both shows, at which point the high councils of both planets (The Cobras and The Pythons, respectively) vote to destroy the Good Ship Almighty and make Scrotal Frenzy their prisoners.
  8. "Get My Bail Straight For Jail Bait": The crew of the Good Ship Almighty opt for mutiny after Steele declares no more stops on Pleasure Planet Seven ever since he started growing tentacles in his special area. After rioting and multiple speeches Steele makes use of the Impotency Ray.
  9. "Universum Delenda Est": The Federation of Planets charges Steele and Bob with crimes against the universe after learning how they imprisoned the entire population of Planet 138 and forced them to write millions of sappy love poems to Galactic Princess Jurquet. The FOP representative Ezekiel Lupdid orders Steele and Bob to stop screwing around and get back to work defending the universe from space hooligans; Steele and Bob inform Lupdid that they've declared martial law on the entire universe and, as their first act, nullified the Federation of Planets. Mayhem ensues.
  10. "Felony's Blues": While building pyramids with the Transflagulator Ray in order to freak out the indigenous population of Garbage Planet Nineteen, Steele and Bob accidentally intercept a broadcast from Veronica James, which they wisely decide to ignore, until they discover they're in too deep to escape. Steele becomes convinced he's merely a tool of the OverSeers and Bob accidentally shuts off the Aleph while looking for an outlet to plug in his amp.
  11. "The Flashback Episode (Slight Return)": In the process of bushwacking ComSat 714a for spare wire, Steele accidentally loses the keys to the Good Ship Almighty. Bob attempts to rig a lockpick out of antennas he broke off the bottom of 714a, but it's of no use. The only way back into the ship, other than calling the local fuzz to help them (which, obviously, isn't an option), is to climb in through the garbage chute, where Steele and Bob are haunted by the not-yet-jettisoned evidence of their prior adventures. This is known in the world of television as the "family gets trapped in the basement and remembers prior episodes" scam.
  12. "An Astronaut Who Tells On Another Astronaut Is A Dead Astronaut": On a very special episode, Bob's band Scrotal Frenzy gets wrapped up in a terrible payloa scheme which breaks up the band, resulting in much bitterness when the kingpin is revealed to be none other than Steele, trying to recoup damages the band inflicted on the ship's rumpus room. Bob falls in with some bad elements, turning his back on his vows of upholding justice, while Steele spends his time laying on the floor of the rumpus room eating ice cream and listening to Joy Division records...until a pan-global catastrophe brings the two friends together and they learn the meaning of maximum revenge.
  13. "The Art Of Self Defense": While taking the Good Ship Almighty in for some detailing (including a sweet mural of a suburban American skyline circa '77) the ship gets stolen by vandals, resulting in Steele and Bob having to make use of a rental, which gets them laughed at by chicks and poorly equipped to defend the universe against The Albert Simmons, who is attempting to sell the Almighty as scrap to enterprising alien races who don't yet have warp-drive technology. The Albert Simmons learns only too late, however, that Steele and Bob couldn't give a toss for the Prime Directive, having cut a deal to excage the Almighty and The Albert Simmons' skull in exchange for plasma weapon technology.
  14. "Deus ab Inconvenienti": Steele, convinced that the best way to cover the galaxy is through the use of randomized directions, creates a program which provides confusing, cryptic orders, which he and Bob must follow to the best of their abilities. The exercise works smashingly well until Steele discovers Bob has rewritten the code to his advantage. The two go back and forth, modifying the code and pretending not to know the other is doing likewise, until the program becomes sentient and orders Steele and Bob to turn themselves in for lifeform abuse violations. Discovering the entire project was created by a FOP spy named Tony Puzzler hiding in the lower deck wiring, Steele and Bob decide to jettison all the automated systems from the ship, convincced all this technology is messing with their minds.
  15. "Disco Zombie Dance Party": In order to raise money for additional orgone radiation cannons Steele and Bob decide to turn the ship into a disco, which leads to big money, mob influence, rampant drug use, police raids, payoffs, flighty dj's, and (god help us) breakdancing robots. Steele reinvents himself as Starchild Baby Boogaloo, grand inquisitor of the funk that won't stop, and Bob is forced to shoot all the party people out the airlock.
  16. "Nobody With A Good Spaceship Needs To Be Justified": Steele discovers the Wesleys have plotted out all of Steele and Bob's moves to this point in order to have their enemies eliminated and their numbers bolstered; no longer seeing a need for their pilots the Wesleys stuff Bob in the ice machine and abandon Steele in deep space while installing rumble packs on the back rockets. Steele is picked up by a ship of free-love cultists and Steele is forced to disguise himself as a space cowboy hippie in order to retrieve his ship.
  17. "Big Old Black Eyeliner": A student film crew asks to film a short documentary on Bob, which tickles him to no end, until he learns it's for a "Where Are They Now?" documentary on faded Neo-Retro-Futuro-Boy-Bands. Determined to revive his career after years of goofing off and laying about on the ship, Bob stages a Scrotal Frenzy comeback tour, hitting the universe's most distint backwater shitholes, hooking up with other lost artists to form the Footnotes of Rock festival, where everything goes horribly wrong for everyone but the film crew. Special guests: the animatronic Ratt supershow.
  18. "Two-Lane Hindbrain": Galactic Princess Jurquet finally relizes what a jerk Captain Steele actually is and leaves him for Ezekiel Lupdid, who has had a lot of free time since being placed on lockdown. Jurquet frees Lupdid and they head for the Federation Of Planets Inter-Stellar Headquarters in the Almighty's backup ship, the Demiurge. Steele decides it's time to re-evaluate his Life Goals and does a lot of Werther-like brooding while Bob, getting sick and tired of this extended melodramatic goofery in the midst of the action, takes control of the ship and gets seriously into Ceti-Quadrant Drag Racing while Steele pines in his chambers. When Galactic Princess Jurquet learns that Lupdid only tricked her into freeing him so he could have her stand trial for her role in the litany of crimes committed by Steele and Bob, she starts kicking a whole lot of FOP ass while attempting to reach the Almighty, which Bob has involved in a winner-take-all death match with Gemini Telluride's unbeaten ship, Pleasant Creeper Raisin Eight.
  19. "Neca Eos Omnes, Deus Suos Agnoscet": While shooting out the windows of abandoned satellite Rope-Hung Lucifer, Steele and Bob find a disturbing growth in the ventilation ducts. They discover too late that pesticide makes it mad but gets both Steele and Bob horribly high, at which point they decide the best option is to talk the growth into suicide. There is a subplot involving the Maker of Hidden Doorways and a weird machine with a bag of beads at its side. After daring each other to turn it on by means of ignoble insult Steele picks up a handful of beads, chooses five, and puts them into the machine. That part I didn't understand too good.
  20. "The Impregnators (In Color)": Paternity suits!
  21. "To The Victor Goes The Spoiled": Bob and Steele are forced to re-evaluate their relationship as a bout of well-oiled Greco-Roman wrestling (intended to decide who gets the last Frozen Space Treat) goes further than either of them had ever imagined.

  22. "Grave Robbers From Beyond The Grave": Steele and Bob discover an unseemly way to power the ship and discover the stupifying power of the Voodoo Ray.

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