Monday, July 27, 2009

twitter review: force of evil

i've decided live twitter reviews of the Big Box of Evil is the most suitable route, so turn off your mind in three, two, one.
So we're now at film 3 of six, and this one is Force Of Evil:
which was actually an episode of Quinn Martin's Tales of the Unexpected. I might need a drink.
the writer, Robert Young, is a TV tugboat, with quite a few Streets of San Francisco episodes -- and Escape to Witch Mountain!
the opening credits for TOTU are AWESOME -- like if Edgar Allen Poe wrote for Hart To Hart.
"In the darkness that remains, another force begins to stir." William Conrad should narrate my life.
and it's the seventies, so here comes Lloyd Bridges.
and William Watson as Teddy Jakes, the heavy. "How's your wife look? She still got that real short blue dress she used to wear?"
Basically this is coked-out Cape Fear.
Oh snap! Eve Plumb!
If I get to see Jan Brady get brutalized I'm gonna be happy as a monkey with a peanut machine.
speaking of TV tugboats, its John Anderson as the sheriff/Lloyd's brother. over 200 tv shows! hail John Anderson!
and jeez but William Watson is greasy. he's a sunburned pork chop with sideburns.
and giant teeth! he could eat a tree!
Sheriff: "That girl you killed --" Teddy Jakes: "And raped! Raped!"
screw what they say: things were so much more heavy in the past. these are god-damn movies of the week we're talking about.
oh man, he burned up the horses!
eve plumb's name in this movie is cindy, which is super-confusing.
when it's time for a commercial break, the film does this weird stretch and black thing like it's being pulled away from the lens.
it's *awesome*.
oh, and apparently William Watson can appear in dreams. YES.
man, any excuse Lloyd has to take his shirt off.
"I've never been this close to evil before!"
lloyd also has a righteous gold chain.
and his wife is practically lady macbeth. life is hard!
as a detail note: at least when i worked at the hospital, you didn't chuck limbs into the incinerator.
(it's just biohazard bags)
it's always a little depressing when the "creepy job" the killer did is something i've done.
they arrested teddy jakes for buying needles! he's a diabetic! zinger!
to be honest, i'm pretty much on teddy's side at this point.
his son has a "terminal case of the finals". i hope he gets hit by a truck or something.
the son does have a really sweet jawbreaker-size ring, tho.
teddy feeling up jan brady in a bikini!
man, he's a smooth operator.
holy crap! he drove the boat right over bonnie! who looks just like cindy!
good thing Lloyd's a doctor.
bonnie lost a leg! that'll teach you to go water skiing with the village people!
"This was no boating accident!"
"The sport is in the *stalk*! That's what I'm doing! Stalking!"
look, junior, you and "a couple of guys from the football team" are not gonna cut it.
yes! the dopey son gets the snot kicked out of him!
he's gonna go shoot him! holy crap! "this summer: lloyd bridges IS paul kersey in DEATH WISH!"
it's the seventies when the hero of a made for tv movie tries to kill a guy by fucking with his insulin.
first rule, lloyd! don't fuck with the plan! EOTP!
not exactly masterminds of crime, lloyd and his wife.
is it weird that popular entertainment is basically about how to kill someone and get away with it?
dumping a body in a well full of rats is always a good move.
this is why it's good to live in the country! there's wells aplenty!
clever editing could make lloyd turning to his wife in bed and saying "it never happened, okay?" a funny scene.
"How about it, lady? Like to be manhandled?"
split lens! i loves the split lens!
this part would be a lot better with naked witches or puppets or something.
the sister who isn't eve plumb looks a lot like eve plumb. it's confusing.
open the package!
oh shit! it has a sweet jawbreaker sized ring on its finger!
"somebody give me a hand here!" BOO.
you know what that means, they gotta go back to the rat well.
i guess once you spend some time in a well it gets to be comfortable.
everybody gets a turn in the well!
okay, wait: "There's some cases where people just don't die!"? really, doctor?
or maybe if there was a hypnotist. a good hypnotist would help this movie a lot.
y'know you can check out dildoes at the library? nobody does it because they're too self-conscious, but it's true.
just to remember it's basically cape fear, so the women are locked on the lifeboat. sheeesh.
i'd sure like to see the son get beat up again!
man, the sheriff is a putz.
swimming time! it's a good thing lloyd was on sea hunt!
showdown! it's pretty lame, tho.
remember the fight at the end of sidehackers? it's a lot like that.
i think i mighta seen eve plumb's nipple, tho.
probably not, but i like to think so.
oh, lloyd made administrative director. is that a satisfying ending? no.
but wait! WAIT! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
"If you believe in the goodness of man, then the box contains only roses. But if you believe in a force of evil..."
oh man, a zinger ending. BOO! BOOOOOO!
i'm gonna punch william cannon in the nuts.
david shire's theme, however, really is groovy.
Damon's extras for this one include a bunch of Mystery Movie promos, Hefty commercials (with Johnathan Winters, who deserves better...
...and WOUB test patterns. Okay, but nothing great.
So Force of Evil is okay for vegging out but certainly nothing you need to see. GOOD NIGHT AMSTERDAM!

aphenix@ what IS in the box? an arm?
@aphenix you know what I think was in the box? cake.

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